| Ok so xanga is.....well xanga is still here. i'm fuckin surprised. who still uses this. comment me back as a little test to see. |
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| Ok totally disregard the last blog entry (even though I made it
private). Everthing is amazing again. We're happy again. So much has
happened because of one thing that my head is swimming. Anyway we're
preparing for Valentine's Day and it should be great. I love her with
all my heart.
SNS played a competition and played marvelously but lost anyway.
Played a show the day after and forgot all about the previous night. In
March we'll be playing our 6th anniversary and final Open Mic Show at
the Old Town on Armitage. Elbo room a few days before lots of good
shows.
Watched Wedding Crashers with Kayla. funny shit.
Tomorrow is homework day.
drove out to wheaton to get tix for our show in march. 8 bux and if
you but a ticket and cant get out there except for the train we'll
reimburse u for the cost of the ride. Hell yea. need to sell 35 or we
dont play. buy tickets and we'll love you forever.
Life is Good |
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| Kinda depressed right now...whatever. I'm not sure what to think really. I don't know if being single is the best thing right now. Things were getting better...or so i thought..stupid me. Anyway she wants to be single and i cant seem to be able to reason with her or find something to do or say. I was never one for being good at making things work. 1 year and and engagement ring later and then she says that too much is happening and i don't let her do anything(partly true but not on purpose) or have fun. we've barely gone out in the past couple of monts but i try to see her as often as i can. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. Is it for the best? who the fuck knows? Do i think it is? I think thats obvious. She wants time O.K. but the prospect of never gettin back together is scary. Patsy told andy she needed a break and look how that ended up. I don't want that to happen. She is the world to me and i don't think she really understands. I'm not good at expressing my feelins verbally but i can sure as hell write them. It seems like no matter what i do i end up failing. I know she has a lot on her plate but it sux that she feels that she has to leave me in the ditch while she figures out what she wants. I want to be there to help her. She says she learns nothing from me but that she's in love with me. i still see her alot but it doesn't feel the same. She seems to not feel bad about and I'm trying to avoid the sickening feeling that i get when i know things are bad but it's spreading through me like a virus that i cant fight off. I know as you all are reading this you're thinking that i'm emo and being a drama queen but you know what i don't care. you've all been through this before and you can't say you haven't. Andy has a new love interest, peter has a wonderful girlfriend and so does steve and now i'm stuck here with my head in my ass feeling like a reject. I am by no means of the word "happy." For all of the bad in our relationship we had mre good and i don't think she realizes it. It just fucking sucks and i want it to go away. i wish i could say that it does't affect me when she goes out to places with other guys but it does, and it's not because i don't trust her but because i'm too insecure about myself to feel ok with it. A lot of guys know what i'm talking about. I know she would be pissed if i went out with a girl to a cafe for coffe or hot chocolate or a movie. Trust has never been an issue with me and she knows that. She's a busy person i know that but what i don't understand is why she has to leave the person she supposedly loves because of it. I am a busy person too but i always will and i mean always drop what i'm doing to see her. I love her as much today as i did the day i told her so. Time apart can be good or bad and i'm scared shitless. I feel like i'm no good and should just give up on this but on the other hand i'm stubborn as fuck and want to keep pushing and fighting for her. i want her to see that i am better than she thinks and that if she though hard enough i have taught her alot. She doesn't need me to say it because i know. I hate this feeling. i hate not knowing. i hate not truly being with her. Cold is the only word that i feel is appropriate for the feeling. 1 YEAR AND 10 DAYS AND I HAVE NOTHING NOW! I tried to make plans to celebrate it. the first time we couldn't and i understand, the second time we made plans and they fell to shit. a day later and we're over. this all comes after a day of arguing and them making up and realizing how happy we were. was that not true for her? maybe i'm blind or stupid or whatever i just want her back. I'm angry, and sad and heartbroken, and numb and i wish she'd understand..she prbably does but i don't feel that, mainly because i cant express it to her well enough. my mind hurts from all of this and all i want to do is sleep but i stayawake for the off chance that things will change in her and in me for that matter. i stay awake for the "morning" when she calls me and for the stupid songs we sing constantly. I stay awake for the baby talk but recently that's all been in my head. I'm not going to be stupid and stalk her or be up her ass anymore i'm going to let thins run their course and let her decide. I just hope she reads this before it's too late for me. I want her to know everything. I love you. |
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| R.I.P. BUSTER TIPTON DEVRIES 12/16 /1992-12/08/2005 |
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| Well last night was open mic. It was actually really good. we had lots of energy and the crowd seemed really into it.
Kayla comes back from her debate tournament in Ann Arbor Michigan today. She says she tired and doesnt want to see me. Maybe i'll surprise her at her house when she gets home. I have seen her a total probably an hour in the course of two weeks. To make things worse she starts working again wheich means I see even less of her. Anyway all i'm saying is that i want to see her.
Everyone should come to the show November 12th at the studio. should be an awesome show. |
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